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Column

Wimbiscus: Giving back to the celebrity elites who have given us so much

God bless our celebrities.

You know, those entertainment, media and political elites who make our country great by herding the mindless American masses. In the olden days, we simply called them politicians, reporters and performers.

Back then. politicians merely politicized – always for votes, sometimes for pork and occasionally for bribes.

Reporters, such as Walter Cronkite, mostly just reported the news. On the rare occasion they elicited an opinion, it was clearly labeled commentary.

And performers? They simply performed stuff.

Maybe on one of the networks (we only had three back then), maybe in one of the 50 or so movies released each year, or maybe on stage it was Chicago for A-listers, Joliet for B-listers, Peoria for C-listers.

A lucky few also got commercial contracts, hawking everything from coffee to cigarettes to Playtex Living Bras.

Beyond that, most celebrities didn’t get overly involved with telling the rest of us what to do.

All that’s changed now, of course, and I, for one, couldn’t be happier.

Entertainment, media and political celebrities dominate television, social media, the internet and print every minute of every day, helping stupid folk by telling us what to buy, who to vote for and what, in general, to believe.

Confused about climate change? Listen to Leonardo Di Caprio.

Ignorant about immigration? Have President Donald Trump explain the issue to you.

Struggling with how socialism will save America? Ask Susan Sarandon or Michael Moore. They’re both millionaires, so they should know how to redistribute your wealth.

Taken aback by terrorism? Let Rep. Ilhan Omar, D-Minn., who recently characterized the 9-11 attacks as “some people did something,” explain it to you.

Thank you, celebrities, for setting us straight and helping us avoid the inconvenience of thinking for ourselves.

I think it’s high time to give back to these extraordinary people, the elites who unselfishly and unceasingly tell us ignorant Americans why everything we thought was wrong and why everything they think is right.

As a writer, I’m capable of giving back only one gift to those trying so hard to control us – words. I’ve listed some below in sentence form; their meaning should be obvious. And while they’re not in the latest edition of Merriam-Webster, feel free to use them:

• She loughlined her kids into USC with $500,000 rowing scholarships.

• Despite extensive police evidence of his guilt, the accused was able to smollett out a nolle prosequi.

• Trump’s dismal popularity ratings were hannitized on a FOX News segment claiming wide-reaching public support.

• The state’s attorney foxxed over the police by dropping the indictment.

• The lecherous old man cosbyed the young girl’s drink with quaaludes and then took advantage of her.

• Obama’s weak foreign policy record was further compromised by hillaryous decisions.

• The senator’s claim of Native American ancestry was un-warrented.

• The President trumpeted aboutthe economy while trumping down the Mueller Report.

• He clintoned all over her pretty blue dress.

• She griffined her career when she pulled a severed head out of her bag.

• The aspiring actress said she was weinsteined by a fat, greasy producer.

• A lot of people were maddowed about her over-hyped news “exclusives.”

• ABC barred her from rejoining her hit television comedy following the racist tweet.

• The Feds caught him on tape trying to blagojevich a deal over the Illinois Senate seat.

• Fox o-reilleyed his nightly news show after the sexual harassment lawsuits came to light.

• The two men claim the pop star jacksoned them at his ranch when they were children.

• NBC had to lauer the boom on their longtime television host due to sexual misconduct allegations.

• He OJed his way out of the murder rap, but they nailed him on the wrongful death lawsuit.

• She claims he r-kellyed her when she was a minor.

• He pritzkered the toilets out of his mansion to get a tax break.

Thank you, celebrities.

Your unfailing wisdom, unquestionable integrity and sterling behavior is an inspiration to us all.

• Bill Wimbiscus is a former reporter and editor for The Herald-News.

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